The question was posed to me today, how do you know God loves you? It was in a bible study setting, but it kind of took my breath away. I immediately thought, i don't know how I would answer that to someone. I don't have a miraculous story of conceiving a child after sterility, or curing of cancer, or anything really monumental like that. How do I know God loves me? I have asked him for monumental things in my life, but I have never received them, so how do I know that God loves me?
Then it occurred to me, that I know God loves me because of the unanswered prayers. I wouldn't say i've had an easy life, and often times I have asked God to make situations different, or to give me something. He didn't. But, what if he had? If I had gotten all I asked for, i would not be the same person.
Even recently I prayed and asked God for a child, I asked him for an almost immaculate conception, or to adopt a baby. He did not give these things to me, but he did allow me to work with a wonderful youth group, who are so dear to my heart.
However, in not answering that prayer, he answered one I didn't ask for. He gave me the gift of photography. He is allowing me to do something that is fun to me, challenging, and at the same time enhances the lives of others. Had God answered that prayer i asked for, and given me a child, my life would have a different route. I would not be able to devote time to photography, i would not be so blessed by helping others.
I believe that God has given me the gift of photography to allow me to take care of my family in the future. That I will be able to run a profitable business, that my husband will be able to retire, and i will be able to set my own schedule so that we can enjoy and live life together to the fullest. It is not a gift that I asked God for, but one he gave me instead of what I asked for. One that has changed my life.
How do I know that God loves me? because I asked for silver and he gave me gold!!!
There are lots of other ways I know God loves me, He has allowed me to be witness to so many blessings, and has blessed my life in so many ways.
I know people who say things to me like, if there was a God, and he loved me, then "such and such" wouldn't have happened to me. I have friends who lost children, friends who lost parents, friends who were raped, or involved in very bad relationships. and they, doubt that God loves them. How do I tell them that God loves them?
God never promised us that things would be easy. He never promised us that there wouldn't be pain. I have had pain. I have not had easy. But all of these things, they serve a purpose, they make me who I am, and that is exactly what God had planned. God doesn't do things to us because he thinks it's fun to watch us suffer. When we suffer, God suffers with us, when we cry, God wipes our tears. It takes a very strong person to realize that God loves us even when things are difficult, even when circumstances are overwhelming. God loves us, even though we don't deserve it.
Sometimes, it helps me to have a visual. I think of God's love like a parent whose toddler is just beginning to walk. Sometimes, you have to let them fall in order for them to learn to walk. That doesn't mean he loves you less. It just means he loves you enough to pick you up and wipe away your tears when you fall.
Remember, he loves us though we are not worthy of his love.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
miracles are in the eye of the beholder.
I was privileged this weekend to photograph a wedding and a vow renewal. We've all been to weddings, they are sweet, lovey dovey, and emotional. However, in this day and age with the divorce rate what it is, I think we often do not see weddings as they are intended, the emotional aspect that accompanies 2 people saying they pledge their lives to each other is nowadays, lost on the guests. It is a social gathering, something we do, we get dressed up and have fun. While many weddings, are just as God intended them, they are a commitment of lives, i think we as a general population have begun to devalue that.
And then, we get to see something like I saw this weekend.
I photographed the wedding, it was of course beautiful and heartfelt, even with a sand ceremony so that the kids were involved in the commitment of this couple to create a blended family and spend their lives together.
Then...
There was a vow renewal. Now, coming into this day, the wedding was what I thought would be the main focus. and it was, but nothing was more moving that the vow renewal. The bride for the vow renewal was the mother of the bride for the wedding. The groom however, is where the story gets interesting. The groom for the vow renewal, was a very strong man, a man dying of cancer. A man, whom family was not sure would live long enough to renew his vows. This man had a great attitude and a great spirit. He was full of personality. It was an honor to be part of this day with them!
I was moved, because they were facing what we all know as a possiblity when we get married, but that we hope (and trick ourselves into believing) will never happen to us. You know that whole "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part of the vows. Well, they were facing "worse" and "sickness" and still pledging their love to each other. They took their vows seriously. They were, at this low place in their marriage, standing up in front of family and friends and basically saying, yes, things are bad, but that does not change the way we love each other. It was sobering to see. Kind of brought me to my senses.
My favorite shot from that whole day, was when the groom was watching his bride walk down the aisle. I wasn't there the first time, but I imagine that he was looking at her just as he did when they originally made these sacred vows to each other.
Now, we all hear the stories about wives who leave their husbands when they are sick, or other various tales of betrayal. This story goes to show you that things don't have to be that way. That's not the way God intends them. The miracle in this story to me, is not that this man lived to renew his vows, he could pass soon, or live a long time, but either way, the miracle is that love still exists just as God intends it to. That if we just open our eyes sometimes, we can see the beauty in this world that God has laid his hands on, even in times of distress.
And then, we get to see something like I saw this weekend.
I photographed the wedding, it was of course beautiful and heartfelt, even with a sand ceremony so that the kids were involved in the commitment of this couple to create a blended family and spend their lives together.
Then...
There was a vow renewal. Now, coming into this day, the wedding was what I thought would be the main focus. and it was, but nothing was more moving that the vow renewal. The bride for the vow renewal was the mother of the bride for the wedding. The groom however, is where the story gets interesting. The groom for the vow renewal, was a very strong man, a man dying of cancer. A man, whom family was not sure would live long enough to renew his vows. This man had a great attitude and a great spirit. He was full of personality. It was an honor to be part of this day with them!
I was moved, because they were facing what we all know as a possiblity when we get married, but that we hope (and trick ourselves into believing) will never happen to us. You know that whole "for better or worse, in sickness and health" part of the vows. Well, they were facing "worse" and "sickness" and still pledging their love to each other. They took their vows seriously. They were, at this low place in their marriage, standing up in front of family and friends and basically saying, yes, things are bad, but that does not change the way we love each other. It was sobering to see. Kind of brought me to my senses.
My favorite shot from that whole day, was when the groom was watching his bride walk down the aisle. I wasn't there the first time, but I imagine that he was looking at her just as he did when they originally made these sacred vows to each other.
Now, we all hear the stories about wives who leave their husbands when they are sick, or other various tales of betrayal. This story goes to show you that things don't have to be that way. That's not the way God intends them. The miracle in this story to me, is not that this man lived to renew his vows, he could pass soon, or live a long time, but either way, the miracle is that love still exists just as God intends it to. That if we just open our eyes sometimes, we can see the beauty in this world that God has laid his hands on, even in times of distress.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Moving Mountains and giving miracles
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."Matthew 17:19-21
About a year ago, things were really difficult for me. I wanted God to give me miracle, he did not, I began to doubt God, to doubt that he existed, because if he did, then why wouldn't he give me this miracle that I asked for. Why would a God so loving, let me hurt and want this miracle and not give it to me, it must have been that he didn't really exist.
I went on for months, back and forth with this doubt.
Then around Christmas, i was talking to some good friends of mine. Previously, they had 25+ miscarriages and were told they could never conceive children. They have a beautiful, 5 year old daughter that they adopted, and she is the apple of their eye. Well, this particular day, the 5 year old was telling me how her mom had a baby in her belly! My heart immediately sank, I was happy for them, but history would leave you to believe that it was only a matter of time before she lost the baby. As It turned out, they had known they were pregnant for awhile, and they hadn't said anything because they too, expected to loose the baby. And, they were now entering their 2nd trimester, which was further than they had ever gotten, and their was no reason to think that this time the baby wouldn't be carried to full term.
I began to pray for them daily, for me, and for them. I wanted this to work, I wanted to see that my God IS capable of miracles, and wanted to see one, to restore my faith. as time passed, and they entered their 3rd trimester, I began to restore my faith in God, ok. If he could perform this miracle, he could in theory perform the miracle that i wanted, and if for some reason he wasn't it was because he knows better than me. My life and faith was changed with the conception of this baby this baby that wasn't meant to be.
Turns out, later having a conversation with the father, Last summer, when they were ready to give up on the possibility of conceiving a child, (through surgical means) God spoke to the father and told him to wait. To wait, he had great things in store for him. This father, who had the faith of a mustard seed, has now seen a mountain moved! That little bit of faith that God would take care of them, and they did not seek out the surgical end to ever bearing children, well that faith moved a mountain as they conceived and carried a child.
Last week, at 34 weeks, this baby was born. He was delivered early via c-section due to complications that had arisen, turns out, that too was an act of God, because had he not been delivered then, he might not have made it. Another miracle in the life of this child. This sweet baby is not even a week old, and has a testimony so strong on what God can do, that it is AWE-inspiring.
The day that this sweet baby was born, i cried. I cried tears of joy, I knew then that my GOD is an AWESOME God! He is capable of doing great things. Things that I can not imagine. To see this child grow, and to be a part of his life, is the greatest gift God could have given me. I am amazed at the faith his parents must have had to be able to endure months of pregnancy and not be terrified every day that something would go wrong.
Sometimes, the miracles and requests we ask God for, he doesn't have planned for us. We should take comfort in the fact that if he doesn't give us what we ask for, it is not because he's not there, or mean, it's because he is a loving God.
God did not give me the miracle that I asked for, he has not given it to me to date, but he did allow me to witness this Miracle and that has changed my life, it has changed how I thought, and touched me to the soul. This sweet baby, has changed who I am.
About a year ago, things were really difficult for me. I wanted God to give me miracle, he did not, I began to doubt God, to doubt that he existed, because if he did, then why wouldn't he give me this miracle that I asked for. Why would a God so loving, let me hurt and want this miracle and not give it to me, it must have been that he didn't really exist.
I went on for months, back and forth with this doubt.
Then around Christmas, i was talking to some good friends of mine. Previously, they had 25+ miscarriages and were told they could never conceive children. They have a beautiful, 5 year old daughter that they adopted, and she is the apple of their eye. Well, this particular day, the 5 year old was telling me how her mom had a baby in her belly! My heart immediately sank, I was happy for them, but history would leave you to believe that it was only a matter of time before she lost the baby. As It turned out, they had known they were pregnant for awhile, and they hadn't said anything because they too, expected to loose the baby. And, they were now entering their 2nd trimester, which was further than they had ever gotten, and their was no reason to think that this time the baby wouldn't be carried to full term.
I began to pray for them daily, for me, and for them. I wanted this to work, I wanted to see that my God IS capable of miracles, and wanted to see one, to restore my faith. as time passed, and they entered their 3rd trimester, I began to restore my faith in God, ok. If he could perform this miracle, he could in theory perform the miracle that i wanted, and if for some reason he wasn't it was because he knows better than me. My life and faith was changed with the conception of this baby this baby that wasn't meant to be.
Turns out, later having a conversation with the father, Last summer, when they were ready to give up on the possibility of conceiving a child, (through surgical means) God spoke to the father and told him to wait. To wait, he had great things in store for him. This father, who had the faith of a mustard seed, has now seen a mountain moved! That little bit of faith that God would take care of them, and they did not seek out the surgical end to ever bearing children, well that faith moved a mountain as they conceived and carried a child.
Last week, at 34 weeks, this baby was born. He was delivered early via c-section due to complications that had arisen, turns out, that too was an act of God, because had he not been delivered then, he might not have made it. Another miracle in the life of this child. This sweet baby is not even a week old, and has a testimony so strong on what God can do, that it is AWE-inspiring.
The day that this sweet baby was born, i cried. I cried tears of joy, I knew then that my GOD is an AWESOME God! He is capable of doing great things. Things that I can not imagine. To see this child grow, and to be a part of his life, is the greatest gift God could have given me. I am amazed at the faith his parents must have had to be able to endure months of pregnancy and not be terrified every day that something would go wrong.
Sometimes, the miracles and requests we ask God for, he doesn't have planned for us. We should take comfort in the fact that if he doesn't give us what we ask for, it is not because he's not there, or mean, it's because he is a loving God.
God did not give me the miracle that I asked for, he has not given it to me to date, but he did allow me to witness this Miracle and that has changed my life, it has changed how I thought, and touched me to the soul. This sweet baby, has changed who I am.
This baby continues to grow and get stronger every day. He is in wonderful health and will go home with his Mom, Dad, and Big Sister in a few weeks!
He will be loved and cherished, raised surrounded with God's love!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
the new tattoo
I got a new Tattoo this past weekend, here is what it looks like.
Lots of people don't understand tattoos or why someone would get one. This one though, is very meaningful to me and i thought i would share about why i chose to get it and why it is so meaningful to me.
i think there is a misconception that people get tattoos as a "decoration" like a piece of jewlery, and while some people do, not everyone. That the tattoos are for other people to look at, and admittedly, i have seen these people, and i'm not real fond of that type of tattoo. This one, I didn't get for anyone else to look at, i got it because i wanted to look at it, It is purely for me, and what everyone else thinks, is secondary.
The symbolism in this tattoo is that the 2 hearts are my husband and I, and the cross of course Christ. If you look you'll see that the 2 hearts can not "get to each other" without going through the cross. The hearts are also smaller than the cross. The meaning in this for me is that even the most important relationships in my life (my marriage) are NOTHING without Christ in the middle.
I chose to have this tattoo placed on my wrist so that I could see it all the time. So that sometimes, i'll catch a glimpse of it in my day and i can stop what i'm doing and pray, or just take time to listen to God, because that's not something i often slow down enough to do. I have also found that in times of despair, when i feel the whole world is against me, i often literally hang my head. and in doing so am left looking at my hands. In those times, I will see this tattoo, even if i am angry at God, it will take me back to the time when i wasn't, and i will be reminded that whatever is wrong, however bad it is, God is in the middle of it and it will be ok.
as an unexpected plus of the tattoo...people ask about it. It was done very well, and people who like tattoos will stop and ask me who did it, ect. what it means, different things like that. I find that though i didn't plan for it to be, it is an opening to a "kingdom conversation" a conversation that lets people know about God, and that helps me to reach out to a group of people that i probably wouldn't reach out to.
If scarring my skin can help to keep me strong and focused, and maybe lead someone else to Christ as an unexpected "side effect" i don't see how my decision was a bad one. I am very pleased with it, and i am hoping that in writing this, some of you that think i've "lost it" will see that i haven't, i'm just a little unconventional. But you, didn't ever think i was normal did you?
Lots of people don't understand tattoos or why someone would get one. This one though, is very meaningful to me and i thought i would share about why i chose to get it and why it is so meaningful to me.
i think there is a misconception that people get tattoos as a "decoration" like a piece of jewlery, and while some people do, not everyone. That the tattoos are for other people to look at, and admittedly, i have seen these people, and i'm not real fond of that type of tattoo. This one, I didn't get for anyone else to look at, i got it because i wanted to look at it, It is purely for me, and what everyone else thinks, is secondary.
The symbolism in this tattoo is that the 2 hearts are my husband and I, and the cross of course Christ. If you look you'll see that the 2 hearts can not "get to each other" without going through the cross. The hearts are also smaller than the cross. The meaning in this for me is that even the most important relationships in my life (my marriage) are NOTHING without Christ in the middle.
I chose to have this tattoo placed on my wrist so that I could see it all the time. So that sometimes, i'll catch a glimpse of it in my day and i can stop what i'm doing and pray, or just take time to listen to God, because that's not something i often slow down enough to do. I have also found that in times of despair, when i feel the whole world is against me, i often literally hang my head. and in doing so am left looking at my hands. In those times, I will see this tattoo, even if i am angry at God, it will take me back to the time when i wasn't, and i will be reminded that whatever is wrong, however bad it is, God is in the middle of it and it will be ok.
as an unexpected plus of the tattoo...people ask about it. It was done very well, and people who like tattoos will stop and ask me who did it, ect. what it means, different things like that. I find that though i didn't plan for it to be, it is an opening to a "kingdom conversation" a conversation that lets people know about God, and that helps me to reach out to a group of people that i probably wouldn't reach out to.
If scarring my skin can help to keep me strong and focused, and maybe lead someone else to Christ as an unexpected "side effect" i don't see how my decision was a bad one. I am very pleased with it, and i am hoping that in writing this, some of you that think i've "lost it" will see that i haven't, i'm just a little unconventional. But you, didn't ever think i was normal did you?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
God's Beauty revealed to me.
I had the opportunity yesterday to see God's glory and presence like I have never seen it before in my life. It was extremely overwhelming, emotional, and beautiful. Beautiful is the best word I can use to describe what I was blessed to witness.
I was fortunate enough to get to Photograph an adoption. I was photographing the birthmom with the new baby and the adoptive parents with the new baby. When I arrived, the birth mom was in the room with the baby, I got the cute little guy naked, and took some pictures of him, so cute, I redressed him about the time the adoptive parents came to the room. To see the interaction between these 2 sets of parents, was AWE-inspring. You'd think they had been friends their whole lives. you could tell that these 2 women really truly cared for each other, and the welfare of this new child.
The birthmother, a young mom who struggled with even wanting to continue the pregnancy early on, and yet carried this baby, who initially she had an emotional detachment with. She knew that she could not raise this child on her own, and eventually through the counseling of others decided to put the baby up for adoption. Initially, she wanted a closed adoption, but she later decided on an open adoption, chose this particular family, and they began a bond. I asked her how she came to choose the family that she did, my exact question was "what about them, stood out to you on paper, that you chose them?" She told me that when the agency first sent her parent profiles, they sent her 3 of them. she read the first profile and cried the whole way through it. She said she didn't want to just pick that one cause it was the first one she read, like buying the first car you look at, so she read the others, but they didn't have the same effect, she went back and re-read the first one and cried again, she told me "it was the Lord's way of telling me this was the family" So she chose them, and everything was wonderful. She had a very difficult labor, and was pretty tired, but was bonding well with the baby.
The adoptive parents, in their early 30s (a guess) were the sweetest people I have met in a long time, very genuine and down to earth. They had been with the adoption agency for 3 years, and the week before they got the call that they had been chosen, were going to double apply to another agency, because they had yet to find a baby. but, they were called and told they were picked as a family. They knew it was God's plan. You could see the love they had for this baby in their eyes, and not just their tears of joy, but in everything they did, you could just "sense" love.
I then photographed this new baby, with the adoptive parents. It was unlike all the other newborn sessions i've done. These parents had a sense of pride, and longing for this baby, unlike that i've ever seen before. You could really tell that they had wanted this baby for a real long time, and that their prayers were finally answered. I also photographed the baby with the birth mother, and then all of them together.
There was a sense of God in that room, that I have never felt before. and I'm not sure i'll ever feel it like that again. The presence the feeling in that room, I do not have words to describe. The best word i can give it is "beautiful" I watched as all of these people, (including the case worker) gathered around and prayed. they thanked God for the birth mother and her strength, for the baby, for the adoptive parents. The scripture tells us where 2 or more are gathered in God's name he will be. I have heard this many times, but during this prayer, this was the first time I have ever felt it that strong. There was absolutely NO DOUBT that god was in this room. That he created this baby and intended it for these parents. You could tell that God had his hand in this situation, it was so calm, tension free, and there was so much love...i'm trying to put it to words for you, but words fail me. it absolutely was the most beautiful thing i've seen! EVER! more beautiful than even my own children's birth....and it was all because God was present!!
As the birth mom was leaving the room to go home, there was such a calmness around her, she knew that his baby she had given life to was in the hands of great parents, not only that, but in the hands of God. And the adoptive mother had this look of complete joy, the realization, that she was actually going to take her son home. That all her prayers had been answered. That baby was handed over in love, and surrounded in God's love. God took a woman, who could bear children, but was struggling, and gave her a child. Then he lead this woman to give that child to the parents he intended for it, the parents who could not have children of their own. It was the most humbling experience.
When i left that hospital, i cried the whole way home, not because I was sad, but because i was so overwhelmed emotionally. Being in God's presence will do that to you. I was happy for everyone involved, everyone's prayers were answered, and God was there, present, personally to make sure it happened. I have NEVER felt GOd like that before, and I sit here now, trying to explain it to you, while I have goosebumps thinking about it, but trust me, my words do not do it justice!!
I hope that one day everyone of you can experience God's presence like I did. It has completey changed my outlook!
I was fortunate enough to get to Photograph an adoption. I was photographing the birthmom with the new baby and the adoptive parents with the new baby. When I arrived, the birth mom was in the room with the baby, I got the cute little guy naked, and took some pictures of him, so cute, I redressed him about the time the adoptive parents came to the room. To see the interaction between these 2 sets of parents, was AWE-inspring. You'd think they had been friends their whole lives. you could tell that these 2 women really truly cared for each other, and the welfare of this new child.
The birthmother, a young mom who struggled with even wanting to continue the pregnancy early on, and yet carried this baby, who initially she had an emotional detachment with. She knew that she could not raise this child on her own, and eventually through the counseling of others decided to put the baby up for adoption. Initially, she wanted a closed adoption, but she later decided on an open adoption, chose this particular family, and they began a bond. I asked her how she came to choose the family that she did, my exact question was "what about them, stood out to you on paper, that you chose them?" She told me that when the agency first sent her parent profiles, they sent her 3 of them. she read the first profile and cried the whole way through it. She said she didn't want to just pick that one cause it was the first one she read, like buying the first car you look at, so she read the others, but they didn't have the same effect, she went back and re-read the first one and cried again, she told me "it was the Lord's way of telling me this was the family" So she chose them, and everything was wonderful. She had a very difficult labor, and was pretty tired, but was bonding well with the baby.
The adoptive parents, in their early 30s (a guess) were the sweetest people I have met in a long time, very genuine and down to earth. They had been with the adoption agency for 3 years, and the week before they got the call that they had been chosen, were going to double apply to another agency, because they had yet to find a baby. but, they were called and told they were picked as a family. They knew it was God's plan. You could see the love they had for this baby in their eyes, and not just their tears of joy, but in everything they did, you could just "sense" love.
I then photographed this new baby, with the adoptive parents. It was unlike all the other newborn sessions i've done. These parents had a sense of pride, and longing for this baby, unlike that i've ever seen before. You could really tell that they had wanted this baby for a real long time, and that their prayers were finally answered. I also photographed the baby with the birth mother, and then all of them together.
There was a sense of God in that room, that I have never felt before. and I'm not sure i'll ever feel it like that again. The presence the feeling in that room, I do not have words to describe. The best word i can give it is "beautiful" I watched as all of these people, (including the case worker) gathered around and prayed. they thanked God for the birth mother and her strength, for the baby, for the adoptive parents. The scripture tells us where 2 or more are gathered in God's name he will be. I have heard this many times, but during this prayer, this was the first time I have ever felt it that strong. There was absolutely NO DOUBT that god was in this room. That he created this baby and intended it for these parents. You could tell that God had his hand in this situation, it was so calm, tension free, and there was so much love...i'm trying to put it to words for you, but words fail me. it absolutely was the most beautiful thing i've seen! EVER! more beautiful than even my own children's birth....and it was all because God was present!!
As the birth mom was leaving the room to go home, there was such a calmness around her, she knew that his baby she had given life to was in the hands of great parents, not only that, but in the hands of God. And the adoptive mother had this look of complete joy, the realization, that she was actually going to take her son home. That all her prayers had been answered. That baby was handed over in love, and surrounded in God's love. God took a woman, who could bear children, but was struggling, and gave her a child. Then he lead this woman to give that child to the parents he intended for it, the parents who could not have children of their own. It was the most humbling experience.
When i left that hospital, i cried the whole way home, not because I was sad, but because i was so overwhelmed emotionally. Being in God's presence will do that to you. I was happy for everyone involved, everyone's prayers were answered, and God was there, present, personally to make sure it happened. I have NEVER felt GOd like that before, and I sit here now, trying to explain it to you, while I have goosebumps thinking about it, but trust me, my words do not do it justice!!
I hope that one day everyone of you can experience God's presence like I did. It has completey changed my outlook!
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